Dropping the Struggle with Difficult Feelings

A universal challenge that often surfaces in my client conversations is the mental struggle we have with unwanted or unpleasant thoughts and feelings. When anxiety or overwhelm feel like too much, it’s only human that we try to find an escape (maybe that looks like a few too many glasses of wine or taking on more at work) or a semblance of control when everything feels wildly out of our hands (which could be setting a super rigid schedule or going on a cleaning frenzy). But turning to distractions to avoid difficult thoughts and feelings, whether consciously or not, likely won’t serve us over time. It’s this mental struggle that keeps many of my clients trapped in an emotional eating or binge-restrict cycle, unconsciously displacing their unmet emotional needs onto food.

So what can we do instead? Keep reading to learn how to better tune into your body, emotions, and nervous system and, ultimately, how to be more flexible in the face of unpleasant emotions.

Displacing Unpleasant Feelings

Uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, judgments, and stories we experience — such as anxiety, overwhelm, depression, unworthiness, and emotional flashbacks from unresolved trauma — crop up for all of us. And it’s natural for our mind to want to control or escape pain and discomfort from these thoughts and feelings. It will try really hard by using tactics such as:

• Overworking

• Eating

• Substance use

• Maintaining a rigid routine

• Offloading stress onto a relationship

• Engaging in critical self-talk

• Downplaying or dismissing our own needs

But frequently, these efforts (amongst others) are ineffective in the long term. Since discomfort is a part of being human being, constantly battling it turns life into one long game of whack-a-mole, distracting us from doing — and being present for — the things that matter to us. Enter: psychological flexibility.

Practicing Psychological Flexibility

One approach I take to help my clients out of the aforementioned trap is to introduce psychological flexibility. This concept is at the center of an approach I use called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT for short). It involves building your behavioral toolbox so you can handle difficult thoughts and feelings more effectively so they have less impact and influence over you. This toolbox helps you:

• Attune to your body, emotions, and nervous system

• Let go of needless struggle with thoughts and feelings

• Persist in or change behavior according to the situation and your values

Practicing this flexibility means that, with time, we develop greater capacity to tolerate and be present for the hard stuff (e.g., pain and discomfort) and “unhook” from it so it’s not running our life and we can still do what matters to us. The way we develop tolerance for the hard stuff is by learning to acknowledge it and make space for it rather than use food or other distractions to fight it and let it take over. Below, I share two helpful tools to begin cultivating a greater capacity to acknowledge, unhook from, and be flexible with emotional discomfort.

Building Your Behavioral Toolbox

The next time you notice an overwhelming, uncomfortable sensation or thought, try one of these helpful exercises that encourage psychological flexibility.

Nervous System Attunement

Our body and nervous system hold so much wisdom and memory. Whether we’re conscious of it or not, our nervous system state in any given moment influences our feelings and reactions. It’s a personal practice of mine to be in dialogue with this subtle energy in my body. I tune into when I feel particularly vigilant and on guard, low and collapsed, or at a good equilibrium. There are times I need to be protective of an overstimulated, anxious nervous system. And other times, I notice a craving for expansion, experience, and novelty — and a desire to let in.

So how can you do it? Since we can’t effectively engage with what we’re not aware of, you’ll want to:

• Prioritize micro moments of mindfulness in the day where you pause and check in with your body (e.g,. showering, filling your glass with water, stretching at your desk, or stepping outside for fresh air).

• Notice and name any sensations you feel in your body, such as buzzy, tense, constricted, drained, dull, numb, or relaxed.

• Let the sensations be there without telling a story about what they mean or trying to control or escape from them. It’s helpful here to anchor your attention to the colors, shapes, and sounds in your environment and the places your body makes contact with, such as your clothes, a chair, a rug, or the breeze on your skin.

Engaging with your body and senses in this way is a subtle dance of listening and adapting. It encourages psychological flexibility because it allows your brain to “unhook” from the difficult thought or emotion: it shifts from reactive or autopilot mode into a calm, connected state capable of responding to what the moment requires in an open, workable way. It’s an important practice for me because it’s in service of my well-being, the health of my relationships, and my clients; because I'm able to show up in a calmer, more grounded way, clients are more able to slow down and be present during our sessions.

The Tunnel Metaphor

I really like to think about metaphors and share them with clients as a way to convey and quickly access a perspective and feeling we’re going after, especially when we get exhausted by the mental gymnastics we engage in. Metaphors have a visual element that helps the mind imagine itself in a particular environment, acting in a way that’s natural to that environment. Employing this perspective-taking practice encourages psychological flexibility and relieves the fatigue caused by mental struggle. Personally, metaphors have at times been a lifeline, providing a sense of buoyancy and resilience when I’ve felt stuck and burdened by heavy emotions.

Try out this simple metaphor exercise that takes just a minute or two.

• Think of a particular feeling you’re currently struggling with.

• Now, imagine you are a strong, sturdy tunnel.

• Then picture vehicles — the unpleasant thoughts, emotions, and judgments you’re experiencing — passing through the tunnel. They come and go.

• As the tunnel, you are the steady observer, watching the ebb and flow of this emotional traffic without trying to stop or redirect it. This traffic is a part of you — but not all of you. You’re more than the traffic, and you can make room for it without fighting the flow or getting swept up in one of the cars and carried away.

Conclusion

Difficult thoughts and feelings are inevitable. It’s how we relate to these strong sensations that helps dictate how we will respond to future painful events. When we slow down, tune into our nervous systems, and make space for the feelings we’re struggling with in any given moment, we learn to build and grow our compassion and tolerance for the hard stuff without automatically turning to sometimes unhealthy or unsustainable distractions.