Enmeshment Unraveled: Answers to Common Client Questions
In this last installment of the Attachment Wounds and Food Struggles series, I’m answering questions clients frequently ask me about enmeshment and the mother gap. It takes time to wrap our heads around the concept and long-term impacts of enmeshment, so it makes total sense that questions will crop up along the way. If you have questions that I haven’t answered here, feel free to drop them in the comments below.
Is it really necessary to talk about what I didn’t get from my mother? I feel guilty blaming her.
Sometimes one of my clients will confess she feels bad blaming her mother because her mother did the best she could, had challenging circumstances, or is not doing well now. I get that addressing what our mothers didn’t do pushes up against the hardwired belief that we need to be loyal to them. In reality, healing is not about blaming or shaming our mothers. It's about self-responsibility, growth, empowerment, and sovereignty.
We have to be honest with ourselves about the pain we endured. Otherwise, we’ll continue to live in the pain’s shadow and be consumed by insatiable appetites that nothing will satisfy. This self-honesty means allowing ourselves to grieve the well-being we did not have and taking full responsibility for our well-being now.
If we are to claim our power as women, we must be willing to see the ways in which our mothers truly were responsible for our pain when we were children — and how, as adult women, we are fully responsible for healing these wounds within ourselves.
…Daughters must own the legitimacy of their pain. If they don’t, no true healing can occur. Facing the magnitude of the suffering you experienced as a child is painful and uncomfortable, but it is a necessary part of the liberation process. Daughters will continue to sabotage themselves and limit their ability to thrive and flourish in the world until they can recognize these patterns from their origin point. — Bethany Webster, “Discovering the Inner Mother”
I’m beginning to see my own wounds from my childhood, but I’m a mother myself. What should I focus on?
"Mothers liberate their daughters when they consciously process their own pain without making it their daughter’s problem. In this way, mothers free their daughters to pursue their dreams without guilt, shame or a sense of obligation." — Bethany Webster, “Discovering the Inner Mother”
By putting your own pain and needs on the back burner “for the sake of your child,” you are not being selfless and responsible, but rather you’re doing them a disservice and disavowing your humanity and your worth as a woman and mother. Children can feel the energy that leaks out from the dismissal of your pain, even when unspoken. It’s a gift when a mother can be present with her child in a way that does not project her pain onto them or pass the mother wound down to the next generation.
As a mother, you very much need mothering and nurturing yourself. And if you feel like those needs are not being met, consider therapy, groups, true reciprocal friendship, experiences, pets, and tools (such as books, journaling, podcasts, self-compassion work, grief work, etc.) to help you meet them. The more diversified and fulfilling your anchors are beyond your identity as a mother, the less obligation your kids will feel to be your everything. More diversified anchors also enable a stronger, freer, and more differentiated relationship with your children. Making space to step outside of your motherhood identity allows the emotional energy you bring to the relationship to be clean, contained, and unencumbered.
If we haven’t addressed our mother gap, we may be unconsciously projecting our need for mothering onto other people, things, situations, and events, which can create problems within our relationships, our jobs, and our very self-concepts. — Bethany Webster, “Discovering the Inner Mother”
What does a healthy mother look like?
While rare but incredible, some mothers can say “my children are important to me,” while establishing a personhood that is whole and complete beyond their kids. They create a fulfilling life that is for themselves. On the flip side, if they do the things that allow a life outside of motherhood, but these actions come from a wounded place, they won’t actually feel fulfilled and their children will feel this energy.
Mothering from a healthy place is important from a psychological, emotional, and relational perspective. Because now you, the mother, give yourself and your child the gift of bringing your fulfilled, whole self into your relationship with them as adults. You own the neglected parts of yourself, contain that energy, and take responsibility to fill your void of loss or loneliness so it doesn’t become the responsibility of your children. By doing this, you send a message that you are responsible for your life and happiness. That ownership releases others from feeling the subtle, uncontained, leaky energy that comes from another person’s disownment and the subsequent sense of obligation or responsibility to care take or emotionally tiptoe around you.
If you’d like additional insight on this topic, watch: Secure Attachment and Parenting
A Note on Getting Support
We cannot do this work alone; it takes a village to heal emotional wounds and attachment trauma. To find the right support for you, consider a blend of the following:
Trauma-informed professional support (therapy or therapeutic coaching; bodywork with a chiropractor, massage therapist, osteopath, or yoga teacher; energy healing with an acupuncturist or a meditation/breathwork/reiki/Qigong/Tai Chi teacher)
Listen to your nervous system!! Read this article for tips.
Intentional quiet time in nature
True reciprocal friendships that allow you to take up space, be heard, and be yourself
Groups (therapy, volunteer, or hobby groups that offer support, a safe space, and a sense of belonging and connection)
Experiences (activities that give you a sense of purpose, perspective, and vitality)
Pets
Self-reflective resources (e.g. books, journaling, podcasts, self-compassion work, and grief work)
Before adding new practices that could potentially stir up emotional energy, especially any of the energy healing or bodywork mentioned above, it’s imperative to first tune into your nervous system to discern if you have capacity and enough stability to bring in something new or if less is best for the moment. Read this article (also linked above) to learn signs of a dysregulated nervous system and how to support it.
A Note on Paid Relationships
Ideally, paid therapeutic relationships offer a blend of empathy and validation along with gentle, compassionate, and non-judgmental encouragement to explore, gain insight, heal, and grow. Working with a therapist or coach who is client-centered and trauma-sensitive and whose approach and presence feels comfortable and complementary to your needs and personality can be a transformative partnership.
Being cracked open by existential shifts and angst can be incredibly destabilizing. We need safe, stable support sources that, and this is key, are in place for us to keep us anchored. In this way, paid relationships provide a powerful container for healing. They provide a space just for you. You don’t have to self-edit or tiptoe around your truth. You can be your whole, uninhibited expression. You can trust you’ll receive honest, objective, unbiased perspectives delivered with care that will help you see and understand yourself and your relationships in a way you might not otherwise have clarity.
Where else can we receive the sort of support where we feel truly seen and heard plus we get a sounding board and thought partner all in one? It’s the one situation where a one-way relationship can be healthy, functional, and nourishing. That being said, because the therapeutic relationship is about the actual relationship between two people — and it helps guide how we want to show up in the outside world — it’s in our best interest to honor this container and see the therapist or coach as a human with whom we’re co-creating a path forward rather than dumping grounds to vent without committing to doing the real emotional work.