Why We Must Give Ourselves Unconditional Permission to Eat
Photo by Ellieelien on Unsplash
This article is for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for one-on-one support from a professional coach or therapist who is well-versed in a non-diet approach to health.
The Permission Paradox
My clients reach out to me because they’re unhappy in their food life. They’re using food to deal with emotions, they feel stressed and guilty about their food choices and body, and they’re exhausted from trying to stick to a healthy diet. They want support learning how to live joyfully, feel at ease around food, and regain trust in their bodies and decision making. This is 100% possible. But in order to get there, I help them understand that the very thing they think keeps them on track - maintaining rigid, perfectionistic, and unreasonable standards for their diet and lifestyle – are in fact working against them and preventing them from the peace and trust they’re seeking in their food life.
This article addresses the psychology of eating and the emotional barriers to making nourishing food choices. I explain the permission paradox, the role restriction plays in perpetuating food guilt and overeating, and why unconditional permission to eat is the key to balance and achieving peace in our food life.
What Is Unconditional Permission?
Unconditional permission to eat means you give yourself the freedom to eat what pleases your palate and as much as you need to satisfy your body, without judgment or compensating for it later through restriction or exercise. Unconditional permission can be mistaken for losing control and gluttony. I can eat whatever, whenever, and however much I want! But consider this: If you eat pizza and ice cream at every meal, how long do you think it would take you to begin craving fresh vegetables and fruit?
For a mindful, intuitive eater, unconditional permission is about choice and self-trust. Decisions are anchored in attunement with our body’s hunger and fullness cues, awareness of our emotional needs, and a desire to truly nurture ourselves. Studies in Intuitive Eating have shown unconditional permission to be successful. When people have made peace with food, then are given a variety of foods to choose from, they naturally choose mostly nutritionally healthy foods and some “play foods”.
The Dark Side of Denial
However, the common belief in our society remains that health and weight must be controlled by restraint and restriction. I’m going to be good today. I’m watching my carbs. Today is my cheat day.
Not only has restriction or dieting for the purpose of weight loss (or fear of weight gain) been proven ineffective, it’s also harmful. Psychologically, the rigidity, judgment and shame is emotionally and socially oppressive. We’re killing our souls. Physically, the weight cycling (e.g. repeatedly gaining and losing the same 15 pounds), perpetuated by what I call the “pendulum effect”, is more harmful to our health than maintaining a higher weight. To understand why restriction does not work, consider the mechanics of a pendulum.
The Pendulum Effect
The more deprived we feel with food, the stronger the deprivation backlash, or what I call “guilt eating”. Our tight grip on food rules is hanging by a thread because it’s sustained by willpower and fear. As willpower is finite, the thread inevitably breaks because we become deprived not only of energy and calories but also of joy, emotional well-being and connection with ourselves and others. We begin to eat foods on the "bad" list, then we feel guilty and bad about ourselves, which triggers us to eat more. As they say: What we resist, persists!
This swing from deprivation to guilt eating feels like we’re spinning out of control. We blame our lack of discipline. But this is a mistake! Losing control is a natural, inevitable response to holding a restrictive, fearful grip. It’s the law of nature. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
To stop the extreme pendulum swings, we must stop the deprivation and give ourselves permission to eat. Once we trust that the mac and cheese or fries or cake will be available at any time, the urgency to eat them diminishes.
My clients reach the point when they can say “I can have it, but do I even want it?”. That’s when they know they’re owning their power to choose! This is the Permission Paradox at work.
Making Peace with Food
Studies show that mindful, intuitive eaters (those who use body cues and emotional awareness to guide their food and lifestyle choices) have greater well-being and optimism, resilience, non-food coping skills, pleasure from eating, and HDL (good cholesterol). They also have lower body mass index, emotional eating, and self-silencing (suppressing thoughts and emotions).
Health and permission are not at odds, they are one in the same. Becoming a mindful, intuitive eater involves making peace with food and giving ourselves unconditional permission to eat. In doing so, we acknowledge that the power to choose means we can choose to nurture ourselves from a place of care and respect, rather than from fear and control. When we choose permission over restriction, we replace rigidity, reactivity, and guilt with awareness, intentionality, resilience, and trust in the wisdom our body and emotions hold. And as our nutritional, energetic, and emotional needs shift over time, permission allows us to accept rather than shame these changes and meet ourselves where we are.
When I first share with my clients the concept of unconditional permission to eat and the supporting research, I usually get one of three questions:
How is this healthy? I won’t be able to stop eating.
Can I still lose weight if I eat whatever I want?
How do I create structure without rigid rules?
I will answer these questions in the next article, giving real life examples of the Permission Paradox in practice.
If you’d like support learning how to loosen your grip on rigid food rules and find peace with food, get in touch for a complimentary 30-minute consult.
