The Healing Power of Connection - Why I Really Do This Work

In a world where being busy is a status symbol and consuming digital content has led to short attention spans and seeking quick-fix solutions, we’ve lost touch with what it means to be connected; to be connected with others, with nature, with our food, and with ourselves.

I provide behavioral food therapy because I believe in the healing power of connection. We don’t get the validation, self-acceptance, and lasting health changes we’re seeking by compulsively swapping one food or lifestyle plan for another. We get it by having a relationship with ourselves.

My clients achieve better mental and physical well-being in their food life, not by looking at what they eat, but by looking at why they eat, how they eat, and how they relate to themselves.

Let me explain.

Seeking Uncomfortable Solace in Food

A client recently told me, “I ate all those cookies because I didn’t know what to do with my anger.”

Sound familiar?

We eat to get non-food needs met. Food is often a primary or sole coping strategy when we are stressed, bored, anxious, ashamed, lonely, or [insert another difficult emotion you often experience]. It’s ironic that the very thing we turn to for comfort or distraction is also what causes more pain in the end. It’s as if the escape route we take in a building on fire becomes the fire.

Just so we’re clear, a healthy relationship with food allows for ample space to eat for comfort, celebration, and other non-physical reasons. Here, the choice to eat is intentional, unconditionally allowed, and enjoyed. There’s no self-shaming, compensatory exercise after, nor deprivation at the next meal.

But when a focus on food is the instinctive cover-up for a discontent or uneasiness we feel in our spirit, we will be fighting the flames of self-sabotage. Self-sabotage can look like food guilt and preoccupation, restrictive all-or-nothing thinking, binge-restrict cycle, body image challenges, self-criticism, and self-doubt. The fight is futile. It drains our energy and robs us of our capacity to discover more effective, richer — and frankly, more satisfying! — non-food coping strategies. And it disguises the real quest; to feel like we’re enough, to have a strong sense of self-worth and self-trust, to be healthy and vibrant, to have agency in our lives, and to stand in our own power.

We eat our emotions because we’re disconnected from our emotions, we’re not comfortable with discomfort, and attempting to change conditioned patterns — even though we know they’re keeping us stuck — is scary. It’s easier (in the short-term) to ignore these emotions than it is to sit with them and get curious about them, like we would when we’re getting to know a new friend; to understand what belief, event, or interaction triggered them, what the emotions are here to tell us, and how to mindfully comfort them.

The Reckoning

Pushing away that underlying discontent means we can pretend it doesn’t matter, and we can coast on autopilot. It also means we’re not owning our choices, nor exercising that agency.

We’ll run through the motions of eating by the clock, our mood, or the “lifestyle” food plan. We’ll keep our mind preoccupied meeting with friends, talking on the phone, or absorbing other’s ideas on social media and podcasts. (Don’t get me wrong, I love my podcasts. But I try to recognize when my mind is saturated and I need quiet space in my day to quiet the noise, rather than add on an additional layer.) We’ll exercise or work long hours, (falsely) feeling validated when we push through the pain, exhaustion, hunger, illness or injury.

Except, this pushing and striving and constant doing does not eliminate the discomfort like we had hoped. It magnifies it. Only now, the discomfort is disguised as food guilt or self-criticism, or another food- or body-based pain point previously mentioned.

If we live this way long enough, we realize the choices we make about what we eat, how we prioritize our time, respond to stressful situations, and show up in our relationships and at work don’t serve us, nor make us feel good about ourselves. Our life becomes a game of whack-a-mole. We react to whatever comes up, rather than respond with awareness and intention. And because this is a habitual pattern, we never come to know ourselves. We don’t fully understand the beautifully complex and intricate layers of our being. So when discomfort in our body arises, we’re not very good at stopping to listen and discern whether the need is physical (e.g. hunger, chronic pain), emotional (e.g. anxiety, boredom), or spiritual (e.g. quiet space, reconnecting with our voice). What a loss! We can’t get our needs met if we don’t know what they are.

“We are social beings, even us introverts. And it’s through connecting with another that sparks a connection with ourselves. In their reflections, self-expression, stories, and metaphors, we learn about ourselves.”

Getting to Know Ourselves

Self-acceptance and self-respect are key pillars to cultivating a healthy relationship with food, our body, and mind. But even more fundamental is self-awareness. We must know ourselves before we can accept and respect ourselves.

When we are attuned to our personality tendencies (the good and bad), the antiquated food and body stories we’re carrying around with us, energy demands, need for boundaries, and how we best recharge, we’re more empowered to align how we’re actually living with how we want to be living. It’s this desire for alignment — or rather, sensing a misalignment in their lives and pegging emotional eating or weight as the issue — that brings the majority of my clients into my office.

When we can identify and respond to what’s beneath the food preoccupation, we learn to define health and self-worth in broader terms and take care of ourselves on all levels. This is essential work because when we know ourselves and attend to our true needs, we can look beyond ourselves and contribute to what matters most in our lives (e.g. relationships, career, creative projects) from a place of ease and joy, rather than exhaustion and resentment.

In her book, Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert calls this the arrogance of belonging. “The arrogance of belonging is not about egotism or self-absorption….it is a divine force that will actually take you out of yourself and allow you to engage more fully with life. Because often what keeps you from creative living is your self-absorption (your self-doubt, your self-disgust, your self-judgment, your crushing sense of self-protection.) The arrogance of belonging pulls you out of the darkest depths of self-hatred — not by saying “I am the greatest!” but merely by saying “I am here!”.

Some prefer to navigate this self-discovery process on their own. But a lot of us benefit from a thought partner who can be that mirror to reflect back and guide us down a path where we’re able to envision what’s possible, identify our values and goals, lay out a roadmap complete with guardrails and guideposts, and cultivate hope and resilience in the face of despair.

We are social beings, even us introverts. And it’s through connecting with another that sparks a connection with ourselves. In their reflections, self-expression, stories, and metaphors, we learn about ourselves.

The personalized support of coaching and therapy is invaluable in a world where we cannot exist nor thrive in isolation. And I believe we can all benefit from it at some point in our lives. For my clients, when they’re trapped in the windstorm of food guilt, all-or-nothing thinking, body shame, and self-doubt, it’s difficult for them to free themselves from the sheer force of nature and gain perspective on the stories and beliefs driving it all. But when they are ready and willing to reach out for support, to show up and bring their whole selves to the conversation, that’s when a therapeutic alliance is so powerful. Our one-on-one connection allows them to connect with themselves in a more meaningful way.

Why I Do This Work

This is why I do this work. Because we heal and evolve in connection with others. And I’m passionate about helping others feel hopeful and skilled in cultivating an easeful connection with food, their body, and themSELVES.

Over time, as they feel seen and heard, our work becomes a container for them to explore, express, develop resilience in the face of setbacks, to envision possibilities for whole nourishment, to learn self-acceptance and respect, and to build a foundation of practices that nourish their whole selves — mind , body, and spirit.

The Process. To Be Continued….

This healing and reconfiguring and building does not happen overnight. It’s a process. But before you roll your eyes at the cliché (“Of course Katie, everything’s a process, everything takes time.”), let me tell you a secret. “The Process” is the other reason I do this work. The process is magical. I have so much reverence for it. Understanding it, trusting it, and flowing with it is what liberates us. It absolutely lives up on a pedestal in my world. And I will tell you all about how I help my clients embrace it soon.

In the meantime, if you’re on a healing journey of your own, remember that connecting with another thoughtful human might be a helpful catalyst for deepening or revitalizing your internal work. If you’re already working with a coach or therapist — and this is key: they are a good fit for you — allow yourself to relish in the conversations. They’re like a warm, flaky, buttery croissant for the heart and soul. And if you’re frustrated or discouraged with your progress or setbacks, there’s likely a lot about your own process than you’re discounting. But soon, you’ll be able to celebrate it.

If you’d like one-on-one support, get in touch for a free 30-minute consult.

*This article also appears on Medium.